(Getty Images)The very well-sponsored star-studded extravaganza that was the Teen Choice Awards came and went without major crisis, but there were a few moments that people will still be talking about come Monday morning (sadly, none of them involve the show's co-hosts, Lucy Hale and Darren Criss). Like, for instance...
1. When One Direction opened the show and Zayn Malik hit all those high notes.
The producers didn't want to be responsible for a bunch of 13-year-olds' heads combusting so they slotted 1D's performance first. Of note: Harry Styles is a little less hairy than usual these days, and Louis is sporting a mustache. Very interesting.
2. When Rebel Wilson pandered and dropped a few 1D jokes in her acceptance speech and got censored hard.
No one on the Internet seems to know what Wilson said, but it's safe to say it had to do with pubes, penises, vaginas, or vomit.
3. When Selena Gomez basically said nothing and everybody clapped.
Gomez accepted a surfboard for a number of awards, including "Choice Hottie," and sounded about as zzzz as her Twitter account: "This is your award, this isn't mine ... Thank you so much, god bless." She did look hot though.
4. When Nick Jonas accepted his Acuvue Inspire surf board and made it clear that he is OFFICIALLY the super hot Jonas brother.
Sorry Joe. This is how it is. Have you SEEN his selfies lately?
5. When Lea Michele's acceptance speech for best TV Actress in a Comedy nearly brought everyone to tears.
The cast of Glee very tenderly dedicated their award for Choice TV Show: Comedy to the fans, assuring the audience that the late Cory Monteith would have wanted it that way. Shortly afterward, Lea Michele took to the stage in a sweet pink dress and a "Cory" nameplate necklace to accept her award for best TV Actress: Comedy, and had everyone struggling not to tear up:
Adam DeVine bro-ed out behind Lerman, who was accepting an award for his work in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, before thinking better of it and skittering away like the hilarious man-boy he is. He later popped up behind Nina Dobrev as she introduced Paramore, but everyone was too focused on Nina's outfit to care.
7. When Ashton Kutcher took it upon himself to be the night's motivational speaker.
Ashton, who clearly had some sort of spiritual rebirth on the set of Jobs, might have won more people over with his speech if he'd warned them about ending up in a van down by the river. Instead in his acceptance speech for "Ultimate Choice," he admitted, "I feel like a fraud My name is not actually even Ashton. Ashton is my middle name. My first name's Chris," and went on to talk about how no job he's ever had has been bigger than he is.
Then he gave a little speech on sexiness: "The sexiest thing in the entire world is being really smart and being thoughtful, and generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you. It's just crap that people try to sell to you to make you feel like less, so don't buy it. Be smart, be thoughtful, and be generous."
Finally, Kutcher shared something he picked up while portraying Steve Jobs: "Everything around us that we call life was made up by people that are no smarter than you ... and you can build your own thing, you can build your own life."
Use your noggin! Ashton says so!
8. When Paramore invited a bunch of troll ballerinas onstage during their performance of "Still Into You."
There is no better description for these people. Seriously. They showed their butts, literally.
9. When Miley Cyrus won a fashion award in an outfit that was very "secretary at an S&M club just before Labor Day."
The award was sponsored by Candie's. Naturally.
10. When Bruno Mars delivered the best acceptance speech of the night and he wasn't even in the house.
Bruno delivered his speech in a super-sexy R&B voice. No one complained.
See more pictures from the show: