Hey PLL fans! We’re back in the real world this week (or as real as it gets in Rosewood, PA, anyway), so let’s move onto the recap and rehash what happened to our poor little LiArs.
Jess: We open with Spencer jolting awake and see that she was fast asleep at Mr. Fitz’s desk, on top of Ali’s diary. Did she sleep at school? It certainly seems like she did, since she’s drooling all over the damn place. EzrA walks in on her, and at first he seems like his old self, all concerned, but he takes a turn for the menacing pretty-y-y quickly. He tells her she’s going down a dAngerous pAth, and she runs to the bathroom to change into men’s basketball shorts (and not the cute 1970s kind), a hoodie sweatshirt (MAYBE SPENCER IS A), and freakin’ off-brand Adidas-like shower shoes. Hanna and Emily find her and Hanna speaks for all of us as she accosts Spencer about this fashion trainwreck. Then Em takes it to another level and asks Spencer if she had an accident (Lindsay note: LOL). What the what. Anyway, Spencer wants to tell Aria ASAP about EzrA, but Hanna and Em want to strategize a little more, and give themselves ulcers in the process by avoiding their bestie.
Lindsay: I just have a question here: How does no one know about EzrA and Aria sleeping together? It’s been years of them doing the humpty-hump on and off, and sweet statutory, who doesn’t know about this and why hasn’t he had charges brought up against him? Bring Noel Kahn back and get this pushed off a cliff, MonA-style. And what a gross violation of privacy that he accesses Spencer’s files (that happened two weeks ago) and shows them to another student. A student he is banging. Anywho, this #TellAria hashtag is right up my Ali (puns!), because the LiArs need to all man up and let Aria in on the secret of how many black hoodies EzrA owns. The #FriendTervention happens, with Spencer tiptoeing dangerously close to Jessie Spano territory: Spencer is thinking that the girls are going to tell Aria about EzrA (#SpencerTells), and the girls instead confront Spencer about her shower-shoe drug problem. Of course, they don’t believe Spencer, and this is a total “Ryan warns everyone about Oliver and no one listens” sitch. Don’t worry, Spencer. Like the smoking hot Ryan Atwood, you’ll be able to say “I told you so.”
Jess: Let’s talk about MonA and Mike’s romantic evening at Rosewood’s one restaurant. They’re having a grand ol’ time and Lil’ Mikey’s even dancing around saying “I love you." Okay, I see why Aria hates this whole thang, but it’s kind of nice to see MonA and Mike both happy for once. EzrA interrupts, and does NOT look pleased when MonA tells him “it’s too complicated” and she “can’t help [him] anymore.” He basically says she has to help, or else. MonA is one badass bitch, so it’s freaky deaky to see someone else call her shots. Also calling the shots? Spencer, who quits her pills cold turkey (JK, no she doesn’t) and has a brainwave: use the Shauna/Ali money to lure EzrA to Ambrose Pavilion, where she thinks EzrA and Ali must’ve met to conduct part of their illicit affair. The tampered diary provided her with this clue, but stop and think about it for a sec...I’ll wait...okay, are we on the same page? Who meets up for sexy time at a zoo? Ugh, gross — but somehow completely right for Ali (as Hanna later points out). Anyway, Em drops some hints about meeting up with Ali via a faux phone call in front of EzrA, and it looks (to us and to Hanna and Spencer, who are watching from across the street) like he is totally picking up what she’s putting down. The girls end up trapped in the reptile room, distracted by a girl in a blonde wig (which was supposed to be Spencer’s role in this scheme). Ali? Cece? Paige? MonA? WHO ARE YOU, wig girl?
Lindsay: Stockholm Syndrome Aria tells Fitz that Spencer didn’t take too kindly to being cornered by her three best friends (would you?). Fitz basically tries to have Spencer committed, saying that Aria should tell Spencer’s parents about her recreational uses because it will “get way more serious if a teacher is involved.” Like, more serious than if someone found out a 17 year-old student and teacher had a relationship and he stole her friend’s secret school records to blackmail her? Dixie Chicks serious. The only problem? EzrA showed his hand, revealing information about Spencer’s Radley meltdown that wasn’t released to anyone. He stammers through an explanation of why he knew (“You probably told me”), but Aria doesn’t look convinced. Freaking finally.
Jess: So Aria decides to spy on her boymanchild lover and breaks into his cabin. Here are all of her guesses re: Ezra’s security code at his cabin: Ezra, Shakespeare, Sonnet, Faulkner, Wordsworth, Dickinson, and B26. I. Just. Cannot. Little Ms. B26 finds EzrA’s trap door, but the basement appears totally empty this week. THEN, however, she notices a book called Carnivore’s Delight, which she obviously picks up because she and EzrA are supposed to be vegetarians 4eva, and finds a manuscript, the contents of which we get to hear via EzrA voiceover. “The first thing Alison ever told me was a lie…She could lie while she was laughing, even while she was kissing you…” A-a-and cue Aria’s “I’m-going-to-barf” face, which Lucy Hale does really well.
Lindsay: Aria flees the #CabinInTheWoods, but she is a derp and accidentally she leaves her keys behind. EzrA tails her through the woods, shouting, “Aria, why are you running away from me” in a crazy voice. But he’s smart, so the first thing he does to locate her is to call her phone, because she, like no other person I know in this world, keeps the ringer on her phone set to “on.” She sees a sign for a ski lift that closes in five minutes and thinks, “that will be a good way for me to get away from my murderous boyfriend.” Except he gets on the ski lift with her, making the scenario perfect for someone to get pushed off a giant swing in the sky. There’s a lot of bad CGI and crocodile tears, and EzrA says that he was writing a “true crime” book about Ali. Things I don’t believe? Well, that, for starters. He admits that he knew who all of the LiArs were before they met, and that’s why he applied for a job at Rosewood High. This is some serious Lonely Boy/Gossip Girl stuff right here. EzrA says that he’ll stop writing the book for Aria because he always loved her, and she’s all “nah, b, I’m gonna read this psycho crap.” Then she drops the pages of the book through the air into the dirt because, as previously mentioned, she is a derp. But doesn’t he have copies? Probably not, as EzrA only writers on a typewriter because he thinks he’s Faulkner and/or went to NYU and majored in the classics.
Pretty Little Postscripts:
- When the Toby’s Mom plotline came on in the “previously on” portion of the show, Jess said, “Ugh, I do not need to deal with this storyline.” MTE, Jess.
- Toby has pageant hair. “How come [Spencer] can’t make Toby cut his hair?” - Jess. NO IDEA.
- Spencer describes her pill problem as “not great,” declining to elaborate as I (Jess) think she should’ve: “Well, I mean, the pills did transport me to an alternate reality last week, but you know, it was fine, not great, but fine.”
- Hanna’s metallic nails are so Matrix-like, and they’re totally distracting us every time she picks something up. In a good way.
So we end with Aria angrily throwing a copy of Winesburg, Ohio that EzrA gave her clear across the room and a be-gloved A picking up the pages of EzrA’s manuscript. Them’s the breaks in Pretty Little Liars world, readers. We have so many things to think about before the next episode. Such as: now that Mrs. Hastings is onto Spencer and her (renewed) pill habit, will Spencer go to rehab? Will MonA and Mikey ever go all the way? Will Toby learn how to use a comb? And, most importantly, do you believe EzrA about his literary ambitions? Leave your thoughts in the comments and we’ll see you next week to hopefully get some answers (LOL, yeah right).