Well, hello, there, liArs. Once again, Jess was too frightened by last week’s antics (I mean, to be fair, Mrs. DiLaurentis was mega-ultra-creepy) to recap this week, so you’re stuck with lil’ ol’ Lindsay. Last week on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer got a sober sponsor (say that one three times fast), Aria ran away from her problems (namely EzrA), the girls found out that Paige gave Ali up to the police, and EzrA dropped his very own A-bomb, revealing that he thinks that Mrs. D is A.
The liArs have a round table at their Peach Pit to talk about how they’re going to handle the fact that the police have a lead on Ali and also that, I don’t know, Ali’s mom could have been the source of all of their problems. Exiting the coffee shop, who’s there but… a fresh-from-rehab Jason DiLaurentis (with a hot new short ‘do). They call out to him, he sees them, and then he gets in his convertible (gonna mess up that hair) and pulls away. Of course, because they can’t leave well enough alone, Emily and Spencer attempt to follow. Instead of the car starting, they get a creeptastic, photo booth-esque line of pictures of Ali with Ali’s face cut out and the words “you know me, Spencer. You killed me.” Anyone else think this is a family affair with the DiLaurentis'? Anyway, Emily sees Jason later at school (lots of 20-something guys hanging around high schoolers, alright alright) and confronts him. Jason reveals that Mrs. D thinks Spencer is screwing with the family and that she was always after Ali. We have a flashback of Ali getting ugly notes from someone, and Mrs. D goes right to the “are you sure it’s not Spencer? She’s always been jealous of you.” Yikes. I knew plenty of moms like that, and it’s never a good look.
At Haus of Hastings, Spencer is wearing a majorettes band geek jacket and wants to go next door to talk to Jason before school, but #SoberSister Dean (who is a better caretaker for her than her mom, if we’re being honest) wants to tag along and also procure a urine sample from her. Later, Dean tries to get Spencer to open up to him, noting that that’s what he’s there for and that she clearly doesn’t feel safe in her own home. They cutely fall asleep on the couch together and Mrs. Hastings, in a rare moment of parental intervention, comes home and throws him out. Oh, Dean. I will miss you so. It’s also worthy to note that someone has been watching Spencer through windows this whole time.
The next day, Spencer comes home to her mother going through all of her stuff. She still thinks Spencer is still a meth head or whatever. Spencer and her mom have the “you’re keeping secrets” discussion, and it turns out that there was an “incident” that happened with Spencer the summer that Ali disappeared. Basically, Spencer went ape-cray with a scissor on all of her sister’s clothes and then was on Ali’s porch waiting for her to get home. Um, yeah, I would be scared of my daughter then, too.
Hanna is in weddings-ville, as Ashley is helping to organize the wedding dress charity event that Mrs. D is organizing. When Hanna asks her mom why she thinks that Mrs. D gave her a job even though they weren’t friends, Ashley responds that she had no friends when she got out of jail. Point, Ashley. Later, Ashley and Mrs. D are at the super-creepy DiLaurentis house working, and #HotCop gets his fine butt up to her door and Mrs. D basically tells him to scram. Isn’t that, um, weird, that you don’t want details about the investigation into who killed your daughter? #HotCop tells Mrs. D that they don’t think Ali is dead and he has a judge’s order to exhume her body. She gazes, steely, plotting her revenge. Concurrently, Ashley runs upstairs to get stationery or place cards or something, and she finds (in Ali’s room, which, why is she in there anyway) a bag of clothes just purchased for Ali. Um, weird.
Ashley being in Ali’s room does help the liArs: Ashley spills the beans to Hanna, who in turn tells the liArs to go all “something borrowed, something blue”, because they will be in the wedding fashion show to spy on Mrs. D and Jason. At the show, Spencer sees Mrs. D in the woods giving a shadowy figure a suitcase, and, in true Spencer fashion, she follows, falls on the ground, and her dress gets CAUGHT IN A FREAKING BEAR TRAP. This would be enough for me. I would call it a night. Spencer does, too, racing back to the house and Ali’s bedroom, where the other girls have managed to get through to Ali and tell her that the cops know that it’s not her in that grave. Ali says they have to come see her in Philadelphia, and they oblige, but not before helping Spencer take off her mangled wedding dress. What’s the boning in her corset? Oh, just human finger bones (long ones, at that) and a note saying, “What will you do when the rest of me comes out of the grave?” Um, poop my pants?
Pretty Little Postscript:
- The sweater that Emily is wearing in the first scene looks like pullover perfection. Soft, comfortable. Want.
- Dean and Spencer say goodbye, and when Spencer gives out the name of the rehab Jason was in, Dean is all “that place closed two years ago.” Let’s see where that goes.
- “No one wants to ruin a manicure digging a shrimp out of a skinny cup.” — Mrs. D, ever wise in her evil powers.
- Emily confronts Paige in the ladies’ room and rails on her about telling the police about Alison, and Paige says it was just to protect Emily. Was it though, Paige? Remember when you tried to drown Emily? Is this like a mea culpa for that? (#NeverForget) She apologizes to Emily later, blah blah blah, I really don’t care about this. Emily forgives and does not forget, breaking up with Paige.
- Ella, Aria’s mom, is back from Vienna and it turns out that her hot man friend proposed! Aria will have a step-daddy!
- “You can’t escape the cup, Emily.” — Spencer, in reference to her never-ending pee tests. Brilliant.
- #TravisTripp is pretty frosty toward Hanna during their first meeting of the episode (#AwwTravis, which I didn’t make up). Given the fact that their date didn’t go so well, I can’t say I blame him. He declines an offer to make it up, but, there’s good news! #TravisTripp is working wedding-a-palooza with the girls, and he not only causes a distraction so they can get inside the house but also lays a big ol’ wet one on Hanna.
What have we learned, liArs? Jason wasn’t in rehab and was so totally helping his mom, someone else is tracking Ali, and Mrs. DiLaurentis is probably just as crazy as we all thought she was. Next week is the season finale in which #AliTellsAll and we see glimpses of Melissa and #DeadIan. We’ll see you here same time, same place for what is sure to be a crazy wrap-up of a Pretty Little Liars season.