Colton Underwood Is The Next Bachelor Because Apparently 'The Bachelor' Producers Hate Us

Disappointed, but not surprised.

Colton Underwood Has Been Tapped As The Next Bachelor, Because Apparently 'The Bachelor' Producers Hate Us

Bland white men named Colton, 1, American viewing public, 0.

On Tuesday morning, ABC announced Colton Underwood would be our next Bachelor, a decision so unpalpable we've decided to permanently pledge our dating show allegiance to Love Island.

The 26-year-old former NFL player made his franchise debut last spring on Becca Kufrin's season of the Bachelorette. Underwood then skedaddled over to Bachelor in Paradise where he had a fraught and drawn-out romance with Tia Booth, whom he'd briefly dated prior to his Bachelorette stint. And, while you might think the Indiana native, who also dated Olympian Aly Raisman, is the type of player that makes for great television, think again. While on the Bachelorette, Underwood revealed he is, in fact, a virgin. And, while there's nothing wrong with that per se, we doubt all 30 female contestants will be down to not get down.

After an appearance on Good Morning America, Underwood tweeted his excitement for this "new adventure."

"It's time to find a wife?"

Oh, Colton honey, this is how you talk about a Craigslist futon, not a lifelong partner.

The announcement was quickly rebuffed by Bachelor fans, who lamented ABC's decision via Twitter.

Alas, pour one out for Blake Horstmann, Peter Kraus, and all the good men who would've made even better TV.

Give me a good historical drama, and I'm a happy girl. Helen Mirren stan.