'The Bachelor' Season Premiere Live Blog: It's Juan-uary!


(ABC)

The Bachelor with Juan Pablo Galavis has it's season premiere tonight and we’re honoring the occasion by live blogging every wacko moment right as it happens. Will someone get kicked out before the Rose Ceremony? Will people say inappropriate Spanish phrases in order to win JP’s heart? Will a child come out of the limo like last season? Only time will tell. So grab your giant bottle of wine or whatever else you need to get yourself through two hours of this thing and be sure to refresh this page for fresh updates. Juan-uary! Let’s go!

8:02pm Shirtless photo shoot with a rose AND under bridge break dancing? Yep, this is definitely The Bachelor.

8:07pm This opening with Juan Pablo hanging out with his daughter is ten times better than Desiree's inexplicable roller skating from last season's premiere. 

8:13pm I LOVE that he doesn't want to call it a "journey." Especially because Sean just called it that so it was kind of a put down.

8:14pm But... he wants to call it an "adventure" so that's really just about as corny.

8:16pm Sean's advice: Don't kiss one girl in front of the others and don't get too caught up in the theatrics of the show because you'll go home and your dog will totally get sprayed by a skunk transporting you immediately back to reality. That's legit, I guess.

8:23pm The first girl we meet is learning Spanish for Juan Pablo. I would say drink every time this happens, but you'd probably all be black out in the next ten minutes and I'd get sued.

8:27pm This farm girl that called herself "pretty" and said she's not afraid to bring the claws out is either going to be a crazy head that sticks around to the final four, or is going to get kicked off this episode. 

8:36pm It will never cease to be weird to me that the bachelor or bachelorette end up marrying someone who is obsessed with them before they even meet.

8:36pm Oh, Chris Harrison. Way to say they added more than 25 women as though it was going to be, like, 50 when really it's only been upped to 27.

8:38pm Cassandra was appropriately awkward about meeting Juan Pablo. I like her.

8:40pm A girl just brought a bracelet for Juan Pablo's four-year-old daughter Camilla that looks like it was made by Juan Pablo's four-year-old daughter Camilla.

8:42pm Yessss! Flower crown girl's occupation is listed as "Free Spirit."

8:44pm Oh gawd. What is this?

8:44pm She rolled up a piano?! And then messed up while playing it?!

8:48pm Are we supposed to know who the pregnant lady is? Is it his ex?!?! I mean, it's definitely not, but that would be straight cray. Wishful thinking.

8:53pm No. She's just Clare. And she's not actually pregnant...? Is that what just happened?

8:55pm 
"Mineral Coordinator" just beat out "Free Spirit" for best job title.

8:56pm A dog just exited the car first and the woman that followed has the job "Dog Lover." Now they're just pandering to us.

8:58pm I like Sharlene. Omg. She's an opera singer and didn't sing opera EVEN WHEN PROMPTED by Juan Pablo. Most normal award. My favorite. Hands down. Done.

9:04pm Sharlene just handed him a glass of whiskey at the "party." My infatuation continues.

9:06pm This first night party has music, dancing, and a photo booth. This is a new Bachelor. I retract my sarcastic quotation marks.

9:10pm "She's a little happy. Like you guys say 'happy camper' or something like that." Juan Pablo on the Free Spirit girl who put her bare feet across his lap immediately during their conversation.

9:22pm They're focusing a lot of time on the woman who keeps reminding us that her engagement was broken off via telephone. I'm thinking she's gonna send herself home.

9:28pm Oh no! The aforementioned broken engagement lady is Lauren the Mineral Coordinator. Noooooo! She's mentioning up front right now that that situation was rough and that she's insecure because of it. Maybe she won't go home... We need further explanation of the ins and outs of mineral coordination, Lauren. Please stay!

9:32pm This assistant district attorney is gorgeous. She is like when you watch crime dramas on TV and you're like, "No lawyers would actually look that impecable and have that shiny of hair. Except she's real and she does. 


(ABC)

9:34pm Oh no!! Sharlene thinks this whole thing feels "forced." She is too normal for this show. She is the Brooks of this season

9:35pm And Juan Pablo just gave her the first impression rose and she said "Sure" after a long pause. I am so worried about this. Can they just get together now and end the shenanigans? 

9:42pm Chris Harrison just told Sharlene she has nothing to worry about tonight and I'm sure she's like, "Yeah, except wondering if I should remain on this insane show."

9:43pm Rose Ceremony. Let's go!

9:45pm THE DOG IS AT THE ROSE CEREMONY. I REPEAT, THE DOG IS AT THE ROSE CEREMONY. And it's owner got a rose, but that's not quite as exciting.

9:47pm Oh no! Red head in pink dress heard her name incorrectly and he sent her back to stand in the group. So now she's just standing there knowing she isn't getting rose. Or maybe he was just nervous and planned to say her name later...?

9:48pm Free Spirit just got a rose and incited soooo many eye rolls.

9:52pm Okay, so who didn't get a rose? Red head in a pink dress (awkward...), the nutso massage therapist, someone in a green gown, an unknown sparkly dressed woman, and LAUREN THE MINERAL COORDINATOR (ughhh!!!).

9:57pm I'm not used to these women enough to be able to tell who's being featured in the "Coming Up on The Bachelor" stuff, but it looks like the single mom sticks around. Maybe? And Sharlene too? Really this is just a lot of voice overs of women saying they're being disrespected and that they're jealous.

9:59pm Whoa. Someone just said, "Juan Pablo, I hope you die." I'm sure that was for a good reason...

That's it, you guys! Be sure to check back in next week for a regular, non-live bloggy Bachelor recap. 

Did you spot any ridiculous moments that I missed? Let me know what you thought was blog-worthy in the comments!
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