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In the wake of the latest set of arrests in the inquiry into media corruption, I feel it is time to make a statement to once and for all clear the name of our esteemed publication, which has never shown anything but the highest factual and moral standards.
Certain scurrilous, reprehensible, unsupported rumours have asserted that we maintained unprofessionally close relationships with police officers and politicians, paid public servants to give us confidential information, delved into the... Read Full Story
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An announcement from Zacharias Q. Fatcat, Tory health adviser
Tired of having a low-cost public health service that looks after those least able to look after themselves, employs more people than any other organisation in the country and is a shining example to other nations? So are we! That’s why we have dismantled it and created the new National Wealth Service, which is sure to safeguard the health of my wallet, I mean the nation.
The NWS modifies the previous health service to bring... Read Full Story
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The world’s attention is currently focused on one impoverished country as the protests against its despotic regime entered a fourth week.
Yes, the future is uncertain for the United Kingdom, as crowds numbering tens of thousands continue to occupy the country’s capital landmark, Traf-al-gahr Square, to express their opposition to President Mubarakameron.
This power-hungry politician has used the country’s three-year-long ‘state of austerity’ to bypass the normal routes of democracy... Read Full Story
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Footballers’ collective lack of discretion was once again the subject of a mass public outcry after a footballer was caught posting messages on Twitter that were benign and entirely uncritical of referees.
Kevin Thug, 22, a left-back for South Dulwich FC, posted the unacceptable tweets in question and is now under pressure to relinquish his club captaincy and then hand himself in to Guantanamo Bay immediately.
“We had a good, sporting game today, and the ref did a good job,” he tweeted... Read Full Story
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With the festive season fast approaching, the Nail Biter has invited renowned social commentator Ebenezer Smug to share some of his erudite opinions.
Bloody hell! Only the start of November, and it’s already everywhere! Can’t these opportunistic scumbags at least wait until December – that’s when Christmas actually is !
But no – every year, they start shoving all that Christmas-related tat onto us earlier and earlier. Do they know no shame?
Yes – the journalists who write about the... Read Full Story
Published to David Cameron
Here at the Mail Biter, we always bring you the most important issues of the day. Unless we’ve found an excuse to print something about Muslims, in which case we’ll drop all the important issues and run with that instead.
Which is why the Mail Biter brings you this exclusive report into the background of the prime minister, David Hussein Cameron. Is he all that he seems?
An undisclosed source that we just made up indicates that Cameron was educated at the secretive academy Al-Eton, where... Read Full Story
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Crowds of at least 10 people thronged Westminster today as MPs debated the hottest, most controversial issue that has arisen during this Parliament.
Even the coalition government found itself irrevocably split on the matter: Should MPs vote on forming a committee to vote on a referendum question for a vote on the Alternative Vote?
The subject is being argued by households across the nation – usually under the iconic acronym VOFACTVOARQFAVOTAV – and over three MPs today engaged in fiery... Read Full Story
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Crowds gathered in jubilation as the group that had been trapped together for weeks was finally freed.
“I’m so happy not to be down there any more,” said one Liberal Democrat MP, who had been incarcerated in the Lib Dem Party conference since mid-September.
“It was so traumatising – stuck together in that confined space, surrounded by piles of policies we’d made ourselves, with no way of escaping from the responsibility for them.
“We were so relieved when the rescue Tory party... Read Full Story
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The world has today convened in the septic, er, scenic city of Smelhi for the opening ceremony of the 2010 Commonfilth Games.
This 12-day festival of dirt provides the world with the unique opportunity to watch a variety of events not take place because the venues aren’t ready yet, and to watch the world’s greatest athletes not compete because they aren’t there.
The hotly-anticipated events include swimming (in mud), shit put, and long-distance running away from the athletes’ village... Read Full Story
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There was widespread controversy this week after a renowned TV and radio regular, David Miliband, went on a vociferous rant live on air.
Speaking on his own show, The Labour Party Conference, Moyliband attacked the “huge lack of respect” from his employer, the Labour Party.
“I’ve been working for two months now and they’ve given me nothing,” he bellowed. “Yes – two months of campaigning for the party leadership and they still haven’t given me it.
“I’m very, very angry for not having... Read Full Story
