Dear Pammy, My cats don’t get along.

A reader writes:

My son brought home an adorable male kitten but our older cat, a female stray, never took to him. He chases her and she will hide or avoid him. He never hurts her, but now she doesn’t like him near her. He has gotten hurt chasing her, and now he’s started spraying around the house! Is there anything we can do?

Dear Readers,

My first hunch was that these were two widely differing cat personalities. My reader confirmed that Older Cat enjoyed her routines, was shy about new things, and was in many ways a classic Gamma, while Young Upstart was into everything, high energy, and had other Alpha characteristics. This is too great a difference for easy blending, especially since they are the only two cats.

Two cats are always the trickiest cusp of the behavior template I call “mirroring.” As we do, cats look to others of their kind as a check on their own behavior. Cats living in close proximity have no choice but to spend more time with each other, encountering the cat mirror during their routines of daily life.

Cats can develop a fierce dislike for each other, or one can unknowingly become the bane of the other’s existence. Older Cat did not have the inter-cat skills to either ignore the kitten or teach him to leave her alone. The Alpha kitten is finding her too irresistible to play with, no matter what she does. He doesn’t mean to bully her, but that is how she is seeing it.

When these two cats look at each other, they see frustration.

This builds and builds the stress level in the home. There being only two cats means neither cat can see a different reflection. Another cat puts new matrixes in the cat mirror, giving them different ways of evaluating their behavior and communication. Having a third cat in this scenario would result in a different mirror. Third cat could be a playmate for rowdy Alpha, allowing him a new cat to approach and taking the pressure off the shy Gamma. The cats involved have a less stressful reflection they see staring back from the cat mirror.

Understanding our home’s cat mirror is the hidden key to cat compatibility. If possible, encourage the cats to show up together for treats, sharable toys, and special attentions. They will relieve their frustration by associating the other cat with something good for a change, and this can smooth the path to eventual friendship.

But ultimately, it might be an irreconcilable difference that will demand segregating the two cats or finding one a new home. In this case, I advised my reader, He’s going to chase her as long as she runs. She will always run. These are fundamental traits of these two cats, and not responsive to change. My reader has tried to reduce the stress levels in the house, such as Feliway to project calming pheromones and trying to keep the two cats away from each other.

This works when cats are still evaluating their responses and the stress triggers can be reduced. We can’t change these cats’ personalities, and it is pointlessly cruel to try. Trying to rev up or cool down either of the cats beyond limits they have already shown would only frighten or irritate them.

In circumstances such as my reader explained to me, I agreed that Alpha should keep his room of his own, where he behaves and doesn’t spray. This is not cruel in the short term, provided he gets visiting time, because stress is always bad for him and the fact that he’s not spraying in there means he’s calm. It also means my reader can approach the task of getting him a new home with the confidence that there is nothing wrong with this cat that a new environment can’t fix.

Some cats will get along, no matter what we do. Some cats will never get along, no matter what we do. In between these two extremes, we can make some efforts to reconcile differences with shared fun activities, supervising the stress level, and not letting confrontations get out of hand. If the situation cannot improve, and there isn’t enough room to let the two cats lead separate lives, the new cat will need to find a new home. I gave my reader some suggestions on rehoming.

It’s sad when a cat does not work out, but I wonder if sometimes the best service we can provide for a particular cat is acting as a station on their railroad.

We might not be their ultimate destination, but we can serve as a way of getting them one.

Want to avoid this situation?
There’s more help at The Way of Cats than the article you are reading now. See my BEST WAY CAT INTRODUCTIONS.