Late Night Jokes

Late Night Jokes

Follow the best jokes from Late Night with Conan O'Brien and the Late Show with David Letterman.

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Written by Tony on
"Well, folks, looks like we finally found something President Bush is good at. Dodgeball!" by Jay Leno --- Elsewhere on Zimbio: Written by JJ document.write(localTime('Dec 16, 2008 19:42 GMT'))/16/2008 19:42 GMT on Dec-16-08 It's been a few days since Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi was arrested for throwing his shoes at President George W. Bush, which has given the Internets plenty of time to throw down on its latest favoritest meme. "The Bush-Shoe Incident / Response Time" (Play it here) mind360.com has this game to test whether or not you would be able to dodge the shoe The Bush Shoe Dodge (Play it here ) ... Read Full Story
Written by seriouslymcmillan on
David Letterman has been caught with his pants down, his Worldwide Pants! He’s has admitted to shagging with many, many many women in his employ and interns, too. He’s in the frying pan and Jay Leno has found a holy chance to turn up the heat, slaughtering him with post-confession potshot jokes on Jay Leno’s Friday evening show. “If you came here tonight for sex with a talk-show host, you’re in the wrong studio.” Right in the kisser…. But wait… There’s more! Mid-way through his Late Night monologue, Jimmy Fallon said, “There’s a new book out called Why Women Have Sex that has a ... Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
Now, it's clear the Republican party has a new rock star -- in that Jindal appears to have the body fat of Iggy Pop on free heroin day. Now, Jindal took it straight to the Democrat's porkulus plan, like this waste of money [on screen: Bobby Jindal attacking  $140 million budgeted for volcano monitoring]. Ridiculous! Monitoring volcanoes totally ruins the surprise. Republicans know all we need to control volcanoes is to sacrifice a virgin. That is why they support abstinence education. By Stephen Colbert Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
All in all, Obama spent, and this is true, seven hours in Canada. Ranking his first diplomatic trip on our 'How Long Americans Stay in Canada Scale,' above a firecracker/prescription drug run, and just below an underage Montreal bachelor party. By Jon Stewart Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
Last night, our president delivered his first State of the Union address. It was very well received. In fact, they're saying it was the best State of the Union address ever delivered by an African-American president. By Jimmy Kimmel Read Full Story
Written by The_Zimbio_Team on
U.S. Senator and Republican presidential candidate John McCain's new vice presidential candidate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin speaks August 29, 2008 in Dayton, Ohio. (Photo by Mario Tama/Getty Images North America) It hasn't taken comedians long to start jabbing at John McCain's new running mate Sarah Palin.  Palin is a female governor from Alaska.  Bill Maher offered up our favorite late night jokes about Palin so far: "John McCain's VP pick is the Governor of Alaska, a unknown "Hockey Mom" named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of before. The only other job she had in politics was as the mayor of a small ... Read Full Story
Written by rohitjammu on
One day a goat with her small child went into forest for food. Unfortunately They lost their way while returning back to home and were stuck up in the forest at the night. Suddenly a Big lion came out of the woods and saw the goat and her child and quickly approached them. The frightened goat took her child nearer to her and started praying the gods thinking that lion will definitely eat both of them. Lion came nearer to them but instead of attacking gave them a big smile. He put his hands on the child's head, patted and pampered her and said ... Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Beach                         10. "You are going to have to put on a top, oh, sorry, sir"      9. "Forget about sharks, I thought I saw a tomato in the water"     8. "Due to the mortgage crisis, we're foreclosing your sandcastle"     7. "We are out of mayo; use the Coppertone"     6. "Wow, that lifeguard can really put away the gin"     5. "The water? It's about eleven miles that way"     4. "I know you're not drowning, but would you like mouth-to-mouth anyway?"     3. ... Read Full Story
 
Written by Tony on
"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" By Jimmy Kimmel This one was pretty good too: "President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee."  By Jay Leno Click to enlarge pictures of George W ... Read Full Story
Written by Tony on
John Edwards had this one coming to him: "I thought this was nice, at one point during the (Olympic) ceremony tonight they had 56 children march in, all belonging to John Edwards." By Jay Leno Then this late night zinger got added to the mix: "No, he actually said today about the other woman, he doesn't love her. Oh that's smart, now you've got two women mad at you. Great, way to go." By Jay Leno Leno didn't miss the opportunity to tie this line of jokes together with the "McCain is old" theme.  Here's the connection: "In fact, when John McCain heard about ... Read Full Story
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Yes, they seem like a great couple 94%
No, celebrity fame always destroys marriages 3%
Will the Regina Lasko and David Letterman marriage last?
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Yes, they seem like a great couple
Late Show with David Letterman 43%
Late Night with Conan O'Brien 22%
What's your favorite late night TV show?
199 votes so far
Leader:
Late Show with David Letterman
Poking fun at politicians 29%
Top 10 lists 28%
What's your favorite type of late night joke?
229 votes so far
Leader:
Poking fun at politicians
David Letterman 48%
Conan O'Brien 42%
Who can tell funnier late night jokes?
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Leader:
David Letterman
Here are a few of our favorite Late Night Jokes with Conan O'Brien:

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

- Conan O'Brien

In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.
- Conan O'Brien

John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.
- Conan O'Brien

CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'
- Conan O'Brien

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
- Conan O'Brien

Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.
- Conan O'Brien

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.
- Conan O'Brien

Fish recognize a bad leader.
- Conan O'Brien

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.
- Conan O'Brien

Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.
- Conan O'Brien

In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.
- Conan O'Brien

In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.
- Conan O'Brien

Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.
- Conan O'Brien
CBS News Conan O'Brien Apologizes Over Twitter Misrepresentation TheCelebrityCafe.com Shatner gave a dramatic reading of comments found on Levi Johnston's Twitter account. Routine, stuff, huh? So what's the problem  
From cooeesearch.com ()
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"The Insider" was with Levi Johnston Thursday night as he watched "The Tonight Show" and heard host Conan O'Brien's personal apology for "misrepresenting him in any way" during a skit the night before. Read on for more...   Levi exclusively tells "The Insider": "I'm glad I gave him something to talk about on his show. Obviously it's good that I'm on there." On Thursday's "Tonight Show," Conan said he'd woken up to "shocking news." "Apparently...  
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Filed under: TV, Celebrity Feuds Levi Johnston threatened to sue, Conan O'Brien listened -- and last night he apologized for using an "imposter's" Twitter account to make fun of Sarah Palin's daughter's baby daddy.William Shatner was back again to do a reading from the "real" Levi ...Permalink  
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Wow, was this interview ever overlooked — in a Q that was posted on Monday, Jay Leno sat down with Broadcasting & Cable to talk about how he really feels about the controversy surrounding "The Jay Leno Show" — up to and including an admission that he would have "preferred" to stay on "The Tonight Show." It's worth reading the interview in its entirety, but here are a few excerpts: Last week, Warner Bros.' Barry Meyer was the latest of many to...  
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Second thoughts? Prime-time newcomer Jay Leno would have rather stayed put at The Tonight Show – and if NBC offered him that job again, he'd take it, he told Broadcasting & Cable magazine, hastily adding that such a decision isn't his to make. Conan O'Brien, his successor as Tonight host after 17 years, is "doing fine," he said. The Jay Leno Show began on NBC in September, airing weekdays at 10 p.m., with less-than-stellar ratings...  
From olympics.thestar.com ()
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"One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" -Conan O'Brien "Former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, 'The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.'" -Conan O'Brien "Bush is actually really good at...  
From z.about.com ()
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Filed under: Sedan, Performance, Ford, Celebrities If Jay Leno were a Ferrari McLaren F1, Conan O'Brien would be a Ford Taurus SHO. Now hold on, that's not an insult to Conan, who just took over Jay's hosting duties on The Tonight Show. It's an actual fact: Jay owns a McLaren F1 and Conan drives a 1992 Ford Taurus SHO. Conan's SHO has appeared on his... uh, show... a number of times in the past, though the most memorable cameo was this skit...  
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TVbytheNumbersDavid Letterman, Craig Ferguson Shine In Late Night Ratings NumbersAHN"The Late Show with David Letterman" led the week in viewers for the week ending Oct. 16. This was the late night talk show's third consecutive weekly ...'Frontline' lets its hair downSouth Coast Todayall 24 news articles »  
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MiamiHerald.comSteve Phillips Fired, David Letterman Flying HighExaminer.comThis one is different though because it's similar to David Letterman's affairs with Holly Hester and Stephanie Burkett. Yet, Phillips got fired while ...ESPN fires both Steve Philips and Brooke HundleyTV Squad (blog)Steve Phillips fired over ESPN sex scandal; Brooke Hundley on MySpaceSan Francisco ChronicleESPN sex scandal: When you play the field, beware of fame's...  
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Telegraph.co.ukJokes Behind the Berlin WallRantRave | Published Opinion.One of the more interesting activities of the BND (Bundesnachrichtendienst) was the collection of political jokes forwarded by its informants in the former ...Berlin Wall: 20 years after its fall, divide remainsTelegraph.co.ukall 286 news articles »  
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New York Daily NewsVIDEO: Jimmy Fallon Spoofs a Sulky Robert PattinsonPeople Magazine"Pumpkins are dumb fat squashes," Fallon jokes in a fake British accent. "Candy corns are stupid. Are you a candy or are you corn? ...VIDEO: Jimmy Fallon Spoofs on Twilight StarTheCelebrityCafe.comJimmy Fallon Lampoons Robert Pattinson Lampooning HalloweenWall Street Journal (blog)Jimmy Fallon – Bothered by Robert PattinsonBSCreviewUs Magazine -Sassyqarla...  
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Just Jared (blog)Best Halloween Songs - Pranks for Taylor Swift, Halloween Jokes from EllenNational LedgerBest Halloween songs? While country sensation Taylor Swift doesn't make the list, she gets pranked by Ellen. ...Taylor Not So Swift on Her Feet After Ellen's SpookapaloozaE! Onlineall 16 news articles »  
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Here are a few of our favorite Late Night Jokes with David Letterman:

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

- David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
- David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
- David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
- David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
- David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
- David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
- David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman
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