Even Angelina Jolie’s Eating Disorders are More Charitable Than You Or Me

Most women get into an eating disorder spiral because they’re worried about fitting into a prom dress, or because of a larger need for some semblance of control, or because of the harsh light society casts on women of excess weight. Not Angelina Jolie.  According to her brother James Haven, “She sees food differently and she feels guilty about what she has compared with so many starving people who she wants to help.”  You may think that becoming so skinny that you could use your collar bone to fight crime is an excessive way to show solidarity with the poor, but celebrities have long been known for their willingness to hurt themselves for the sake of others.  Did you know that Sean Penn once cut off his left middle finger because he felt guilty that lower order primates don’t have enough fingers to adequately cut off one of their own fingers?  Also, Jack White of the White Stripes and The Dead Weather once cut off both of his nipples and mailed them to his parents to protest the unfair amount of overtime postal workers were forced to take if they wanted to keep their jobs. Sure, neither of those things happened but they’d be rad if they did.

However, in the spirit of helping Angelina Jolie, I did a little bit of research and I think there are some other things she can do to help the poor before starving herself until she could be used as a shawl.  For instance, she could cut down on some of the amenities at her  Pre-Roman 1,000 acre Estate sits in the South of France: Chateau Miraval. According to the website “Hooked On Houses” it has 35 rooms, a vineyard, a lake, a moat, it’s own forest, his and hers gyms, indoor and outdoor pools, and 20 fountains.  Chateau Miraval by the way is apparently French for, “A Dream of Equality”. Perhaps every time Angelina sees a plate of food in front of her and wants to sacrifice eating it, she should sacrifice one of her fountains instead.  That’s 20 meals right there, enough to get her back into fighting shape.  Or for the month of Lent she could give up use of her moat, instead of all forms of sustenance.  It should also be pointed out that her home has more His and Hers gyms than the entire country of Mozambique has dreams of a better tomorrow.

Also according to “Hooked On Houses” her driveway is apparently over 3 miles long.  To put that in perspective, there’s enough room on her driveway to grow enough rice to sustain an entire district in the Ethiopian city of Addis Ababa for a year, or to make one of Angelina’s arms look like they could hold a can of lentils without snapping off and shattering.

At the very least if you’re going to starve yourself to help the poor, you probably shouldn’t surround your thousand acre “home away from home” with a moat, the thing traditionally used to keep impoverished serfs from storming the castle walls of the greedy Barons that ruled over them.

Here is my vision of a fictional conversation between Angelina Jolie and a village full of starving Africans:

Angelina Jolie
Hey everybody! I’m here to help you.

Villagers
Everyone, Angelina’s here!

Angelina Jolie
I love you all!

Villagers
Hey, uh, ehem… Angelina… you ain’t… lookin’ so hot.

Angelina Jolie
Nonsense, I’m doing great!

A clump of Angelina’s hair falls out, then one of her teeth.

Villagers
Um…

Angelina Jolie
I can autograph that!

Villagers
So… Angelina… we heard you own multimillion-dollar homes in Cambodia,
Berlin, Malibu, New Orleans , L.A., and rent a $100,000-a-month 5-bedroom suite at the Waldorf.

Angelina Jolie
I don’t eat because of you!

The Villagers start to walk away.

Angelina Jolie
I brought U.S. Aid Grain! Who wants Grain!