“The Vow” looks, sounds, tastes and feels exactly like an adaptation of a Nicholas Sparks novel, however despite all the obvious tell-tale signs of a Sparks sob-fest, he had no hand in the book or movie — not even a producer’s credit. The film’s plot is actually based on the touching true story of Kim and Krickett Carpenter, a New Mexico couple whose book was published back in 2000.

However there is a reason that plenty of people, myself included, have been confusing “The Vow” with a Sparks novel. The studio most likely wants it to look like one, even casting former stars of Sparks adaptations. Sparks’ films have been box office gold, capitalizing on the sappy, overtly sentimental crowd, which happens to be exactly how “The Vow” has been branded. So although “The Vow” has little to actually do with Nicholas Sparks, it has everything to do with the terrible genre he singlehandedly created.

Nicholas Sparks is nothing more than a modern romance novelist. His prose would fit comfortably next to the Fabio-covered trash in the magazine aisle at your local CVS. I see no ethical or moral dilemma in spewing cliched bullshit in an effort to mint a fortune, as long as the author realizes that he’s writing bullshit and not timeless literature. However, when you start comparing yourself to Billy Shakespeare and Papa Hemmingway — as Sparks is prone to do — then your pompous delusions of grandeur start to become annoying.

Most women, however, aren’t typically looking for Shakespeare anymore, and Hemmingway’s fishing tales don’t really excite them below the belt, so we’re left with Sparks’ schmaltzy tales of fate, destiny and soulmates. (I don’t mean to discredit all women here, just the ones who enjoy Nicholas Sparks novels.) To these women, Sparks is setting completely unrealistic expectations of fairy-tale endings with a bearded Ryan Gosling or a shirtless Channing Tatum. But that’s not why I can’t stand Nicholas Sparks’ popularity, I dislike him because he’s a hack who thinks his face should be etched next to Mark Twain on American literature’s Mount Rushmore.

“The Vow,” stars two Sparks’ veterans—and genetically gifted actors—Channing Tatum (“Dear John”) and Rachael McAdams (“The Notebook”). The plot revolves around Tatum making his wife fall back in love with him after a car accident causes her extreme memory loss. Sniffles and delicate snobs ensue. Nicholas Sparks may not have written it, but you can guarantee he wished he had.

As predicted, the film (which opens today) has not received the greatest reviews. Currently “The Vow,” is receiving a lackluster 32 percent on RottenTomatoes.com. Lets check out some of the terrible reviews.

5. Ben Sachs — “Chicago Reader”: “Most of the time it plays like the movie adaptation of a Land’s End catalogue, making monogamy seem essential by associating it with high-end interior design.”

4. James Berrdinelli — ReelViews: This film, with its would-be crowd-pleasing contrivances and rote adherence to formula, offers almost no redeeming characteristics.

3. Steven Rea — “Philadelphia Inquirer”: “McAdams and Tatum aren’t exactly thespian heavyweights, but even if they were, there isn’t much they can do with this hokey melodrama…”

2. A.O. Scott — “New York Times”: “The movie’s commitment to the blandest possible presentation of its central problem starts to seem perverse after a while.”

1. Linda Barnard — “Toronto Star”: “Not even Channing Tatum’s bare bum, clearly a Hail Mary pass lobbed at the ladies in the theatre, can distract from the turgidly sappy goings on in The Vow.”

[RottenTomatoes]